Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
